Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Terminator IV: Class Action

Terminator III was on television the other night and somewhere near the ending part of it is a big fight between Terminator I (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Terminator III (Kristanna Loken). It takes place in a huge washroom with lots of smashing and breaking. At one point T-I picks up T-III and crashes her headfirst into a toilet bowl. It smashes all over the place. She hops back up and drags T-I through the wall and through a bunch of stalls or debris before smashing him into some ceramic tiles.

The whole scene is played with stern faces on the part of the actors...because they’re robots. It’s also played entirely for laughs. That alone makes it clear the film is not directed by the humourless* James Cameron.

I changed the channel and watched some other stuff and then came back to Terminator III in time to see a big helicopter smash through a wall where another helicopter had already smashed through. The first copter delivered the T-III and the second T-I. She, T-III, is smushed by the crashing copter and T-I delivers the deliciously witty line "I’m back."

Then I fell asleep.

Now that I’m awake I really think someone needs to make a Terminator IV. Here’s the pitch: It’s a comedy! The movie is set in whatever year John Connor, the son of Sarah Connor (Leslie Hamilton Gearran), would be eight or nine. He’s in public school. A Terminator machine(Ben Stiller) is sent back in time not to kill John but to kill his all his teachers, especially his Science Teacher (Eugene Levy). After so many failures the guys who keep sending back Terminators have realized that targetting John is a losing prospect. Instead they’re going after the teachers responsible for educating John in his sciences and maths figuring that a kid with failing grades could never become the leader of anything.

To protect John the good guys from the future have sent an audio message to Sarah (sending people is expensive and, as they’ve also learned, ends up in pregnancy which equals PARADOX!). The message strongly advises Sarah to hire a body guard, which she does (Arnold Schwarzenegger, reprising his kindergarten cop character now retired and hiring himself out to parties as a doorman/bouncer). John Kimble, body guard, poses as a substitute art teacher at John Connor’s school and hilarity ensues.

As this is a comedy there should probably be a few love interests for both the body guard and the little kid. And also the Terminator because a robot experiencing love is always hilarious.

If you, yes you, are a Hollywood agent and know how to get hold of people who make scripts (and dreams) a reality then please feel free to give me a call. I’d be happy to develop my proposal into a Blockbuster film for you at only a fraction of whatever you pay Quentin Tarantino!

Yours truly,

*That James Cameron is humourless is this Blogger’s opinion and is not to be taken as fact. But I’m probably pretty close to being right.


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Rick said...

You've been validated by Spammy McUseless up there. Congrats!

As for your T5 idea....I like it. But it needs something. How about a computer generated Don Knotts reprising his Ralph Furley from Three's Company? Just a bit part to show off the technology.

j. said...

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That's a great idea, Rick. He could be the principal of the school. Or the janitor. I think there should also be a CG version of one of the cast members playing twins. The audience will be trying to figure out which one is the real actress.

Steve Daye said...

Hey James Cameron has a sense of humour! He cast Bill Paxton in Titantic didn't he?
You always were a cynic J Bone!
I think T4 should be a musical. Arnold could sing a few tunes, Eddie Furlong could dance his way in and out of trouble while Linda Hamilton becomes the new Terminator, now wouldn't that f#*k John Connor up!

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j. said...
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